I feel like I’m drowning.

Things have been very, very difficult for me lately. It feels as if every aspect of my life is so fucked up right now. I had to deal with these blows for weeks, for months; but it’s as if it never ends. I haven’t still recovered from one blow, when another would follow. Then another. Then another. It feels like life decided to play a trick on me and pile problems from every aspect of my existence.

Actually, I’m used to this. I’m used to dealing with problems ever since I can remember. But it doesn’t mean I don’t mind them anymore. I used to believe that I am a strong person for surviving every obstacles I’ve been through, but right now I don’t know anymore. Right now I feel so weak. I feel that I’m crumbling into pieces.

I’m trying, I’m trying so hard to be strong despite all these. I’m doing my best to pull myself together, to show a happy face, to put an act as if nothing is wrong, as if I am okay. But inside it feels like I’m dying slowly. Like I am a glass that could shatter into pieces anytime. I don’t want that to happen, but God, I don’t know know what to do anymore.

I want to talk about this to people. I want to talk about this to my friends, to the people who’s offering themselves to listen. Maybe talking about the things I’m dealing with will ease the pain. Maybe it will help me. But I’m so scared; I’m always hesitating. Sure, I know there are people who are willing to listen to me, but I am afraid they won’t really understand. Every time I considering talking to someone, I imagine what would they say, what words of comfort they would tell me, what advices they would give. It makes me more scared, because I’m afraid they won’t really understand me. And that would just disappoint me. And I might unwillingly push them away. Or that I can’t share anything without really crying, and who would want someone to cry in front of them? I don’t want to be seen as some pathetic girl. Or that I might be just a burden to them, that I would take up much of their time. And that people are too busy with their own lives to think about mine. So I let these things bottle up inside me and deal with everything alone.

There is a gaping hole in my chest and I don’t know how I can patch it up. I’ve been battling with constant problems that I’ve accepted to be part of my current life—schoolworks, pressure and stress, finances, home issues—but I was not prepared to deal with something that has been keeping me afloat despite all of those struggles. There was something that God has given me to act as my life vest in this ocean of challenges, giving me strength, keeping me safe; but it was taken away from me. I never asked for it in the first place but it came to my life unexpectedly; and I always thanked God for it, thinking that He probably decided to give me something to make me stronger, to make me happier despite everything. So why does it have to come to this? Why do I have to be hurt like this? Why do I have to feel so alone again? I hate myself for all things I did and said, I regret my actions and words. If only I can undo things. I hate myself for being so sad, for being not able to be truly happy despite all my struggles right now. Because I know exactly what will make me feel better, and I can’t have it because it seemed that I lost it.

I’m trying to keep myself busy and push these thoughts away, but it only works for some time. Then the thoughts will haunt me, the emotions will slice me into pieces. Sometimes I feel that I would burst any moment. Sometimes I feel so empty and hollow. I try to surround myself with people, but in reality I feel so disconnected to them. There is nothing lonelier than being surrounded by so many people and yet feel so alone.

The worst part of the day is when you are about to sleep, when you are alone. And then everything will flashback to you. And the coldness will seep inside, spreading throughout you, gnawing you apart. Sometimes I make myself too tired so that I will be able to sleep right away and would not feel the pain. But who am I kidding? The loneliness haunts me even in my dreams; the pain will greet me when I wake up in the morning. I want to help myself, but I can’t help all these desperate thoughts and pathetic emotions.

I need help, but God I can’t find any. And I’m drowning, drowning, drowning…